Day 51

It’s been a pain in the ass completely I have had ups and downs all bloody day.

Without a doubt I say this while I grin like a Cheshire cat at the fact I feel like I’ve stolen something. Exactly what I’ve done Iate two Biscuits… then all day wanted more So I had the emotions of a child.

Trying to figure out why I wanted what I wanted and then knowing every time why I  wanted it… It was very distracting.

So I made a video and put it on Facebook I then went for a 3-hour bath. Like I haven’t got anything better to do. I wondered to myself, what is the whole f****** point of this scenario? And whether or not I’m punishing myself, but not eating the world’s best food ever. And to myself. That what I’m doing right now. Is loving myself? Well, I don’t really feel loved very much right now.

Food was my love…but now It’s just hindrance.

Anyway, I’m not… I mean, let’s face. today is red day which means I only have to repeat it at the end of the year anyway. Should have had those pizzas after all at least then it would of Accounted… Anyway today has pretty much sucked. I can pretty much say it’s like ass.

Good bye day 51…. Let’s hope that’s day 52 is sunshine and roses…

Day 47

I cant believe it can you?…so long since I last typed anything and i am kind of looking up stuff to type about.

The challenge is now not really a challenge any more to be honest, it feels its apart of my life now that i am not over excited about it or scared that i might fall of the wagon.

There is however a little emotional stress where i get upset on something that i cant have…like a slice of normal pizza…you see as you may already know me having a slice of pizza would mean i would have to make almond cloud bread and then the sauce, not to mention that i haven’t found a vegan grain free and sugar free cheese that’s actually nice…or even comes close to food…So when i say i get upset that’s the real reason why. Not because i cant or shouldn’t have it but because if i really want a challenge worthy pizza…it would cost my time and energy to get it…is it worth it? NO! Lets face it nothing but the real deal pizza could ever win…

There have been a few questions about the day after the challenge when ever that comes…what foods do you think you will eat after the challenge ends? I suppose when all is said…i can honestly say i have no idea. Right now if i said today was my last day on the challenge and tomorrow was my normal…back on normal foods again then…this is the dream food days worth…(as my fridge and freezer and cupbaords aloud)….

Eggy bread with the last egg…and loads of tomato sauce. A whole cup of milk heated in the microwave and added in one teaspoon of coffee …yum…I wouldn’t stop there, i think i would eat all the biscuits in the house, not because i was hungry just because i could…and if i remember right fedoras got…three packets in the cupboard… bonbon….custard creams and ones that say nice on them…go figure…..so yeah all of them and i wouldn’t share either…lunch…hum let me think…if i had money that would be easy…but lets say that i had to stay in the house for what ever reason and had no money…i would most likely forget all about the fruit and veg that’s sat in the fridge and i would dive right into the freezer, first i would have a bowlful of ice-cream and then go diving back into the freezer to see what fedora has in there…chicken nuggets…yep…nice! fish fingers…jackpot two pizzas…one pepperoni and the other one a plain cheese….I would have it all…the two pizzas spiced up and i would have the fish fingers and chicken nuggets too….all in one setting no doubt. After that i would be settled for a time but then i haven’t gotten to dinner yet have i…OK lets see…Oh yes fedoras got cheese in the fridge and white pasta…so i slice the cheese and make my self half a cheese sandwich as i went to for my pasta to cook, damn things on a go slow…so i eat another half a cheese sandwich as i watch the boiling water cook the pasta even more…(just because you scare at it doesn’t mean its gonna boil or cook any faster)….but finally its cooked…OK i couldn’t wait any longer so i took it out and it was a little harder then it should be…so what…i mix in the cheese and i realise there mostly is around about 100g of cheeses there my mind knows this but does it care…not right now it doesn’t. so i mix the pan full of pasta and now melted cheese and i put in on my large plate to find there is enough for seconds, I get excited…i go and sit in front of the tv and watch a programme, 15 minutes in and i am off the sofa to get the second plate of cheesy pasta and as i sit down i feel like i a drink…ok…i get a milky coffee and sit back down. I eat the second helpings within minutes in fact i have eaten the plate full faster then being able to sip my coffee…I finish everything even my 45 minute programme has ticked over to the next one, so i sit and watch…i get a packet of crisps…and another…oh what the hell i will have one of each…that’s six if your counting, i know i aren’t…after a few more of my programme… i want something sweet, great i will have some rice pops and sugar on…go down nicely, i ate those and went back for more when i noticed a tin of rice pudding…oh heaven above yes please…so i rush to open the tin like my life depended on it and i ate it out of the tin cold…i then for the first time all day feel full…oh god…too full. Full to the point i feel sick…oh god really sick…what have i just done? I go upstairs to the bathroom and breath in and out as deeply as my over full belly can manage and i go to the loo and then i crawl into bed and fall into a heavy sleep. I wake up feeling starving like my whole insides is on fire with no food in it…but then it all hits me…

THIS was me once, it was a daily ritual. If you added having money too.. the food intake gets scarey.

So when people ask…i answer with..we will just have  to see. I hope that by that time i would be more excited in mixing the knowledge of great food with the pleasure of comfort foods together will be the answer, but all we can do now is wait and see.

ITS taken a lot of years of studying nutrition and food for me to realise that  i was an over possessive eater and i did have an eating disorder then made living my normal life very hard.

I also lost the love of my life,(although i can honestly say he isn’t that now) because he left, his reasoning was that i was hideous and that my mood swings where unbearable…he left me to deal with the two kids, my mental health and my eating disorder and a CPP…if it hadn’t of been for my mum and my aunty Rae, i would not have my kids now…or even my life.

It scares me to think that my mental health could of been my undoing and my children’s too…But in the end i haven a reason and i am here now. Learning everyday and trying to help others with my own lessons….its not how we plan these things but hopefully with a few normal steps we can manage to walk that extra mile together.

 

 

Day 38

Its 7.30 am and I had all my books and computer ready to use this morning so of course I sat there and started to type…so….Today I am hoping to cover some herbs and spices. My day in and my day out. I gonna create a pork recipe today hopefully.

Herbs and spices

• Lovage
• Thyme
• Mint
• Marjoram
• Chervil
• Tarragon
• Parsley
• Rosemary
• Basil
• Bay
• Angelica
• Sage
• Dill, seeds, weed
• Horseradish, grated
• Curry plant
• Chives
• Lemon balm
• Oregano
• Garlic
• Lemon grass
• Coriander, fresh, ground, seeds
• Cloves
• Poppy seeds
• Mustard, ground, seeds
• Caraway
• Ginger, fresh, ground
• Saffron
• Asafoetida
• Cassia
• Pepper corn
• Cumin, seeds, ground
• Cinnamon
• Juniper
• Cardamon
• Nutmeg, whole, ground
• Mace
• All spice
• Chilli
• Vanilla pods
• Paprika
• Fenugreek
• Turmeric
• Laos (galangal) whole, ground
• Cayenne

These are only a fair few, There are so many more.

Tomorrow is Saturday, it normally followers a Friday, Fedora and I are going to be making a lamb roast and we have a recipe to follow this time and we are both excited. We are going to Morrisons tomorrow to get all out bits and bobs for the week and we came up with a nice little shopping list. Thank you fedora its rather handy to have to be fair. The recipe I am following is coming out of the book, cooking with herbs and spices on p29. However for copyright reasons I am not going to post it on here, but I am sure that you might be able to get the recipe online or you could get the book on ebay…sorry peeps. I am a good girl…really.

The recipes does ask for chicken stock, because I can not use stock cubes I have to make home-made stock which is easy enough, its just time on consuming. The lamb roast now seems to be a long day cooking section.

I am also going to make my mint pea sauce so I am excited about that.

Another recipe I would like to try in the book, p30…yum. But I think two recipes out of one book is enough for now, and of course I have the sideline chicken stock to make too…so I will stop there for now.

I’ve done a little bit so far already, haven’t I and its not even 9am yet…go me. But I do need to get my trainers on and drop fedora off at school and then I have to pop into town to go to an appointment. So running shoes on and ears phones charged…lets get my morning walk…see you later peeps.

I am back, its almost 12.30pm, I went to my appointment and found out that I got paid too. So I went to do my shopping and I am so happy I did. I first went to natures nutrition and bought ingredients to make chocolate…oh yeah peeps, challenge worthy chocolate. So cant wait. I got my shopping and went home. However a little change of plan. Inset of lamb roast…and following the recipe mentioned above I am now cooking chicken roast insed. The reason for this change of plan is because the lamb was just too much money for one item so I got three chickens insed. Two of them in the freeze and one in the fridge.

When I was in Morrisons I was gonna buy some hash browns but I looked at the ingredients and found a weird looking name that I didn’t know. So right there and then I googled it on my phone and I was pissed off, Dextrose…is another sideline sugar…what the hell. It means I have to do some research on this little sucker and find out what it is and what its side effects. But of course I will keep you posted. Just not tonight, maybe tomorrow…or next week. We will see.

I am going to leave it here tonight, here comes day 39.

Day 27

Today I want to cover a bit about depression. I have had it really bad and I have it now. I don’t ever think I will be free completely from it. But that’s not me saying that its hopeless and I am not happy.

Depression is like a light bulb, that can be dimmed but then again it can shine…Having a shining depression bulb (we will call it a debulb for short) is the worst. Its when your thoughts betray you and you become trapped. The people around you don’t see that you are trapped, They may see you as a smiling laughing full of life person that makes everyone around them happy…or they may see a difference like how angry you maybe, or sad. They may blame it on your past, however they see you its not how you are…inside you are sad and hurting.

They say that depression is an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain. I believe that to be the case. I also believe that I felt worse then ever when I ate the stuff that I can not eat on the challenge, that said. I am happy but I get my low days and they can be bad as crying all day to shutting my self away and just managing.

Depression is a daily fight, with me I get sad when I have a lack of energy and that can be because I have vitamin deficiency anaemia. This is where my body can not absorb vitamin b12 this can cause a few other issues.

This is one of the many reason why I have to complete the challenge to improve my overall health. Not only that but to help others to start improving their lives as well.

The debulb is hard to turn off, in fact I feel that it might not have a switch. Sorry to be a burden for those fair few that do believe there is a start and finish to the depression. If you are right then I am glad. But I have had it for years and still cant shake it off. Although I have come miles from the major type of depression, I still have my debulb and sometimes it shines to damn bright.

When I have these days how do I change it and make it calm down…I have a debulb list of things that make me happy and smile not just on my face but inside too.

What makes me happy when I am a shining debulb,
• Dancing
• Singing
• Music
• Speed walking…when I am angry
• Having a hot bath
• Walking
• Cooking

I didn’t mention it, but eating is one of my favourite things to do when my debulb is shining. That has changed in the last few weeks, I am not too sure why either. I am guessing it might be to do with the lack of chemicals that are now in my diet. The challenge does have benefits….AND I hope that within time you will all see the benefits for your self though me!

Day 26

I feel like I am on a fast train. A train that is full of fresh ideas and beautiful food. I am taking ideas off peoples food dislikes and I am shocked how much my taste buds have changed since the first day of the challenge. Honestly I am so happy right about now its amazing.

This morning I ran out of milk…soya milk that is and I cant not but have my coffee…I am sure you can agree a morning without a coffee or a cupa is a slow one at that. So I had it on its own…with no milk…i was ready for the bitter taste of the coffee, but it never came in fact I drank the coffee without issue and I enjoyed it…go me. Like I said my taste buds have changed.

I started the day thinking that I will cover a lot of research and read my book about blogs and just do something productive, but I haven’t in fact I have relaxed most of the day. I have to say its been rather boring.

I did do some of my website and it looks better. The one thing I did do was find a piece of research that I had written a few years back and noticed that it is good amount of research. So I have decided that I am gonna add it in here today to add a little extra. Who knows it might give you a little insight.

If you have ever drank a sugar free bottle of pop or eaten sugar free ice cream, maybe you are studying how to read labels. If so you might of come a cross, This nasty little bugger…Aspartame.

Go on tell me that there is no proof that this sideline sugar is dangerous….you are mistaken. I think that it is. I also believe that it has connections with depression and it is addictive. It happens to cause headaches and relieves stress hormones and can cause a lot of strain on the liver if consumed high amounts on a day to day basics.

I have read hundreds of medical notes concerning aspartame and its aloud in the UK products however it is banned in some country’s.

I do not want to go on about the sideline sugar here. But if you want more information about how to detox from aspartame then please get in touch because I have gone through it and can help.

For now I will give you a small list of items that could have aspartame in them.

• Breath mints
• Carbonated soft drinks
• Cereals
• Chewing gum
• Flavoured syrups for coffee
• Flavoured water products
• Ice cream novelties
• Fruit spreads
• Sugar free gelatin
• Hard candies
• Ice cream toppings
• Sugar free ice creams
• Iced tea
• Instant cocoa mix
• Jams and jellies
• Juice blends
• Juice drinks
• Maple syrups
• Mousse
• Diet food and drinks
• Nutritional bars
• Sugar free foods and drinks

Its not all bad though, This list may seem like most of your diet…I hope not. However if you have more then one of theses on a daily basis try limit yourself to one a day or one every other day and try and come up with something else to replace that item in your diet with something more healthy if you can. Some mentioned above might not have aspartame in, so its always worth looking at the ingredients.

The challenge isn’t all about food. Its about the fact that I know I can do it. Having the strength to carry on with something that’s hard. Yeah I love having all this lovely fresh food, who wouldn’t! coming up with recipes is really exciting. Its all hard work…i have to make meals. I cant just pop a pizza in the oven. I have to think about what meals I am going to have and if I don’t I do struggle.

The challenge is also about learning to be a stronger person and a mother. I also think its important that people have a understanding of themselves. We are not robots! We are only human beings and when we push ourselves we become stronger….!!

Day 25…Morning snacks

Its my mums birthday today and I felt overly emotional about the fact that I was not able to be there. One thing that I don’t like about living a county away from her. However I made the decision to live in Bideford for the right reasons and I am not going to change my mind any time soon. In fact I seem to feel that even though I struggle from time to time. I have a lot of friends and my support network is amazing. Not only that but they seem rather happy to add their own special tip bits to my challenge which actually really helps.

I made some beetroot bites again and they are yummy. I have a list of morning snacks to add to the meal planner.

Its SATURDAY…Which means its delivery day…what kind of fruit and veg do we have this fortnight to play with?

So snacks…these are handy to have speacailly if you are a working mum or dad. They are not just good for you but they are fantastic for the kiddies too. I like snacks that are easy and quick to cook…or make and most importantly not boring and they have to taste amazing.

So here goes:

Beetroot bites
Apple bites
Banana pots
kale crisps
Leafy bacon parcel
honey nuts
Parsnip crisps

Wow that took a lot longer then I realised. But they seem rather interesting. I really love the leafy Bacon parcels…but they are nicer with Mayo. Unfortunately I cant have mayo unless I make it my self which I can do….but for a small snack its not really worth making it. These can also be made into a meal too, as for the snack you serve only one or two. If you make them for a meal you can have as many as you want…with reason of course.

I made a promise to not talk about my life on here…but I have found it rather hard not to. It might of missed your noticed but I seem to like to talk about myself…its not a passion its normal. I want people to know that I am maybe just one of a kind.

So why the hell shouldn’t I …who cares if I talk about my life or if I don’t…this is actually my blog nots yours. I find that talking about my day to day things is important because then I find away to improve my life to excite my readers. I am a simple person with a little sparkle. Its weather or not you can see it…but the thing is that’s the important thing is…I know its there.

The challenge is so important to me that I find that I am talking about it all the time. Not only talking about it but thinking about it day in and night out. It has taken over my life to the point that I am dreaming of recipes….oh dear me! But to be fair that’s what I wanted x

Eating a high processed, pre-made diet isn’t too smart and not healthy weather you try to balance it or not. I Believe that depression and some mental health issues are connected to processed foods and fast foods. I am still learning about processed foods and its very hard to try and limit your self from it and going clean is a very good start. Which is almost what I am doing while on the challenge.

I have bought myself a book on blogging and I am working though it. I now realise that my website needs a bit of work…TLC…one step at a time this is all new…

Anyway today has been very organised and I have done almost all my housework and my daily tasks…all but the video…which I am not doing today…so bring on day 26

Happy birthday mum, I hope that its a go one and that you get treated to loads of treats x

Day 32

At the very beginning of January. I said to you guys that I would weigh myself and I did I was 16.2.
Today is the 1st of February so again I weighed myself I this time I was 15.10. That means in January I lost 6 lb.

I’m actually quite thrilled! The statement “over the Moon” comes to mind. I didn’t realise that changing my diet as I have done could be this rewarding.

A little time after I made breakfast and I only had a fruit salad and a cup of tea with the juice of 2 oranges and honey. For lunch I had garlic beans and tuna with onions and peppers… it’s sounds simple but the pictures are on Facebook.

For my dinner I had mincemeat that was curried and was OK but needs to be recreated… To perfection.

A few days ago I made fruit cookies challenge worthy and they were absolutely amazing. I made some savoury ones but they weren’t that great… good but they wasn’t amazing

I’m Gonna Leave You with this now because I think the video day 32 has spoke about pretty much everything I need to speak about so hope everything is alright with you guys you got any questions or comments leave them for me and I am looking forward to today 33 bye bye January… Come on February…

Day 24…Lunches…only soup?!

Hello…Oh yes thankfully today has been a lot better…I needed it to be. I asked a friend to take fedora to school for me as I was struggling with some personal issues and she agreed to take her for me…

I then sorted out my issue and then went to do another weeks worth of shopping…although I really hope that this will last two weeks too. I got home and put everything away and managed to realise that I have the ingredients for a cottage pie…yum fedora will be so pleased.

I am going to be coming up with some lunches for you peeps today as well so keep reading x

Lunches…Just soups

• Butternut soup with bacon bite
• Garlic and cauliflower soup with Crispy chicken
• Hot red tomatoes soup with almond bread
• Mint pea and ham soup with a kale crisps
• Sweet coconut tomatoes soup with salted nuts
• Sweet potatoes soup with gammon slices
• Parsnip and apple soup with pork slices

No! I do not only live on soup throughout the day. I will at some point change it so that you can see all the dishes I can enjoy.

Someone asked me today if there is anything you can cook with beetroots and I was so pleased to explain to her that there is so many different things that you can do with beetroots. I will add theses little gems into next weeks recipes.

There was another question that hit me. It made me realise that I seem to be writing about my life rather then The Challenge. Yes I am meant to be writing about The Challenge rather then dramas of my life. People are interested in The Challenge they are not really wanting to know my issues with my life so I will keep that in mind throughout the rest of The Challenge.

The videos seem to be a little boring and again around my life the good and bad. I think its important to show you now what I am like, learn about what I need to and then at the end of The Challenge I am hoping you will noticed that I have become better at a number of things. WE will see.

I make a promise that I will only write about The Challenge and keep you up to-date….with my life if and when its important enough…

Day 23…Dinners for the meal planner

Today has been very slow and I haven’t managed to do very much. I have been staring at my room all day…and then got my arse in gear and managed to do a little bit more of my room. which made me feel like I had done something.

I had a headache most of the day and I struggled to shake it off. I was a little angry today which has shocked me because since I have been on the challenge my moods have been simple but calm. Yes I have cried, yes I have shouted, yes…i have been sad and moody and depressed …alittle not over the top…but not angry… I am unreasonably angry. What was worse I couldn’t shift it…I think I was angry at my self for posting such an negative video yesterday. Something so simple to others crashed my day yesterday and I felt I had no way of building my self of esteem until I had gone to bed and even then that didn’t work either.

How ever I have to just pick my self up not just for me, but for my daughter as its not just hard on me…My life has changed so much in the last few weeks and I really need to get the handle on it and get into a real routine. Today I have created the meals for the planner and I have to say they are good…

The meals for our week planner is dinners…and they are mighty fine!

• Cottage pie plus veg
• Chicken curry and quinoa
• Seafood stir fry
• English breakfast
• Fish and chips with mushy peas
• omelet with chilli tomatoes and crispy bacon bites.
• Mums tuna and Courgette fritters…even my son loves these.

I didn’t make anything special today, it was just easy meals …mostly potatoes…

Today is a small one…but tomorrow I am hoping will be better…Day 24 come on give it to me!!!

Day 22

Today is gonna be a little different. I have to go to barnstaple to go to the police station and also as I am there I am going to go and get my phone fixed. I then want to go and drop of Lyn’s mirror to her as well.

I am gonna drop into Morrisons to get a few bits thatI have run out off. Then go and get Feds from school…

This morning fedora was taken to school by Claire, Isabella’s mum. Both children really do love going to school together which is ideal.

Today’s subject is a meal planner to give you a little insight on what you can have… so that it can give you some ideas from your normal foods that you eat…don’t be worried…and trust me its gonna blow your mind..x

I am going to do it day by day and then sum up the meals at the end in sections of the following categories:

• Breakfasts
• Morning snacks
• Lunches
• Afternoon boosters
• Dinners
• Sneaky suppers

There will be a side cart full of cheeky little sweet treats that are all healthy and just perfect for that sugar fix…without refined sugar…

I have only managed to come up with the breakfasts part of the meal planner. The other sections will be posted throughout the coming days of the challenge. This will finally end up on my web site in the meal planner section…one day at a time…sorry peeps…But I do hope that these breakfasts are okay for you and that maybe they give you an ideas.

Breakfast

A fruit salad
Almond disks with eggs
Fruit and nut with almond milk
Bacon and tomato omelette
Sweet almond nutty cookies
Apple chia seed pudding
Comfort pancakes with honey and berries

Oh my goodness what a day I can tell you. Not going home and doing the same thing has agreed with me I can tell you. Okay I had to go into Barnstaple to some justice work…I didn’t really I just needed to pop into the police station….I am such a naughty girl!!

I went into grape tree shop…hey I am in Barnstaple I might as well go to the shop that sells my goodies.
I managed to pick up one naked bar…cocoa and orange. Its a nut and fruit bar and I wasn’t too sure if I should get one. They are not cheap and I couldn’t see the ingredients as well as I had hoped. However I gave it a go…but before I ate it…you guessed it I did my research. The information received from the naked website themselves and shock to myself, I am indeed aloud them….go me!

So I open the little packet and looked at the shape and size, not to mention the colour….yuk!…I put it too my noise…now I am sure that I am not the only one that does this will a new food item. I was surprised to find that it actually did smell like orange and cocoa…so I took a bite…YUM YUM and more YUM.

Excitement filled me and I went once again on google search and back on to the naked website and they have soot many different ones….like bake-well tart like one….so I went back to the grape tree shop after my police appointment and there were another five different flavours that I haven’t tried…what a treat!

I bought all six flavours and I will cut them all cup in little bite sizes, place them in an airtight container and have one now and again when I need a sweet moment. I will gather more information about these products and post them on The challenge page.

After that little amount of fun… I went into Vodafone shop to see if they could help me with my camera issue. The lovely young women lily helped me as much as she could and my phone has been sent off to get fixed. There is a possibility that they may send me a new phone. But if not at least hopefully my camera will work when I get in back.

I went into Holland and Barrett to see if I could buy some arrowroot…no go unfortunately. However they did sell dairy free cheese in there that wasn’t made with a grain substance…one hard cheese like and another one that’s a spreadable one. We will see and keep you updated.

After this I went to Tesco …and it was just as pants as it always is…. when I go in there. I actually have no idea why I went in there in the first place… But I did, I did need to get some grounded almonds and bought some lentils to try as I am aloud them but have never had them…we will see.

I went to get the bus and waited a little bit and got on the 319 to Bideford. I happened to get into Bideford rather quicker then I had wanted, so got off at the Morrisons bus stop.

Any how I am now sat in a very busy Morrisons’s cafe and typing to you lovelies. I actually really like Morrisons at the moment they seem to make sure that people with dietary needs are looked after. For example there was no soya milk in the coffee section so they gave me a little jug full from the kitchen. The serves was lovely and up to now I don’t seem to have an issues…What I find so great is that there is honey to buy if I wanted to…and it tastes mighty fine in my fresh grounded coffee…yum!

I am just gonna to chill for the next half an hour, I then need to go and pick Feds up

One kicker about today…I went into the bathroom and noticed that there was a mirror in there. I do have issues with seeing my self in full view…one of the reasons that you lovelies only see my face while I am doing my videos and trust me that wont change. I noticed that I looked rather top heavy then normal and I have realised that I have lost my bloated grain belly and now that its not there my breast (which are very large) look a little lower then I like and I felt horrified and my self of esteem just legged it out of Morrisons and I was left to deal with my emotions. The only thing I could do was to pull my self together long enough to get to the school and home. This sounds easy but believe me it was hard. I was an emotional bomb waiting for the right moment to let if off.

It didn’t help matters when the teacher explained to me that fedoras reading was not improving and that she wasn’t doing her work at school. This makes it a lot harder for me…because now I am going to have to deal with this as well as my emotions…okay I am a parent we do this everyday…but today right at this moment I am struggling…We finally got to lyn at the car park near the quay and we exchanged a bag of fruit and veg with her new mirror. I wasn’t my self but I was pleased to see her! she needed to go and sort out her own babies and I too needed to get home…remember my emotions were a ticking time bomb.

Fedora and I finally got hope and it was at that moment I felt angry. No matter how hard I try to lose the weight to successfully have a NHS breast reduction its never good enough. I didn’t cry like I normally do in these situation, I just felt angry very angry at the lack of help from my doctors. When I am like this I normally phone the doctors and try and get some support as I am indeed trying to receive my breast reduction form the NHS but the red tape you have to go through is just so hard…However I dont get to talk to a doctor at any time I do this because its a telephone appointment system only and I have to wait and phone in the next day. Which Is pointless as my self esteem comes back fighting. I am not the only one that smiles when they are hurting in side. It just sometimes I cant hind it. I have been told to act all sad and depressive and suicidal about my breast so that they take them off, so that the doctors can see that they are having an effort on my mental health. But I cant do that…i do have issues mentally about my breast but I am strong enough to know I need to sort it out with the help of the NHS but they no, and its a round about red tape shit that just doesn’t help…is there another way? Yes to go private…we can all imagine how much that would be. So there you have it…drama!

I didn’t eat and I sorted fedora out very quickly and went to bed as soon as she was a sleep…lets hope day 23 is better