Day 47

Day 47

I cant believe it can you?…so long since I last typed anything and i am kind of looking up stuff to type about.

The challenge is now not really a challenge any more to be honest, it feels its apart of my life now that i am not over excited about it or scared that i might fall of the wagon.

There is however a little emotional stress where i get upset on something that i cant have…like a slice of normal pizza…you see as you may already know me having a slice of pizza would mean i would have to make almond cloud bread and then the sauce, not to mention that i haven’t found a vegan grain free and sugar free cheese that’s actually nice…or even comes close to food…So when i say i get upset that’s the real reason why. Not because i cant or shouldn’t have it but because if i really want a challenge worthy pizza…it would cost my time and energy to get it…is it worth it? NO! Lets face it nothing but the real deal pizza could ever win…

There have been a few questions about the day after the challenge when ever that comes…what foods do you think you will eat after the challenge ends? I suppose when all is said…i can honestly say i have no idea. Right now if i said today was my last day on the challenge and tomorrow was my normal…back on normal foods again then…this is the dream food days worth…(as my fridge and freezer and cupbaords aloud)….

Eggy bread with the last egg…and loads of tomato sauce. A whole cup of milk heated in the microwave and added in one teaspoon of coffee …yum…I wouldn’t stop there, i think i would eat all the biscuits in the house, not because i was hungry just because i could…and if i remember right fedoras got…three packets in the cupboard… bonbon….custard creams and ones that say nice on them…go figure…..so yeah all of them and i wouldn’t share either…lunch…hum let me think…if i had money that would be easy…but lets say that i had to stay in the house for what ever reason and had no money…i would most likely forget all about the fruit and veg that’s sat in the fridge and i would dive right into the freezer, first i would have a bowlful of ice-cream and then go diving back into the freezer to see what fedora has in there…chicken nuggets…yep…nice! fish fingers…jackpot two pizzas…one pepperoni and the other one a plain cheese….I would have it all…the two pizzas spiced up and i would have the fish fingers and chicken nuggets too….all in one setting no doubt. After that i would be settled for a time but then i haven’t gotten to dinner yet have i…OK lets see…Oh yes fedoras got cheese in the fridge and white pasta…so i slice the cheese and make my self half a cheese sandwich as i went to for my pasta to cook, damn things on a go slow…so i eat another half a cheese sandwich as i watch the boiling water cook the pasta even more…(just because you scare at it doesn’t mean its gonna boil or cook any faster)….but finally its cooked…OK i couldn’t wait any longer so i took it out and it was a little harder then it should be…so what…i mix in the cheese and i realise there mostly is around about 100g of cheeses there my mind knows this but does it care…not right now it doesn’t. so i mix the pan full of pasta and now melted cheese and i put in on my large plate to find there is enough for seconds, I get excited…i go and sit in front of the tv and watch a programme, 15 minutes in and i am off the sofa to get the second plate of cheesy pasta and as i sit down i feel like i a drink…ok…i get a milky coffee and sit back down. I eat the second helpings within minutes in fact i have eaten the plate full faster then being able to sip my coffee…I finish everything even my 45 minute programme has ticked over to the next one, so i sit and watch…i get a packet of crisps…and another…oh what the hell i will have one of each…that’s six if your counting, i know i aren’t…after a few more of my programme… i want something sweet, great i will have some rice pops and sugar on…go down nicely, i ate those and went back for more when i noticed a tin of rice pudding…oh heaven above yes please…so i rush to open the tin like my life depended on it and i ate it out of the tin cold…i then for the first time all day feel full…oh god…too full. Full to the point i feel sick…oh god really sick…what have i just done? I go upstairs to the bathroom and breath in and out as deeply as my over full belly can manage and i go to the loo and then i crawl into bed and fall into a heavy sleep. I wake up feeling starving like my whole insides is on fire with no food in it…but then it all hits me…

THIS was me once, it was a daily ritual. If you added having money too.. the food intake gets scarey.

So when people ask…i answer with..we will just have  to see. I hope that by that time i would be more excited in mixing the knowledge of great food with the pleasure of comfort foods together will be the answer, but all we can do now is wait and see.

ITS taken a lot of years of studying nutrition and food for me to realise that  i was an over possessive eater and i did have an eating disorder then made living my normal life very hard.

I also lost the love of my life,(although i can honestly say he isn’t that now) because he left, his reasoning was that i was hideous and that my mood swings where unbearable…he left me to deal with the two kids, my mental health and my eating disorder and a CPP…if it hadn’t of been for my mum and my aunty Rae, i would not have my kids now…or even my life.

It scares me to think that my mental health could of been my undoing and my children’s too…But in the end i haven a reason and i am here now. Learning everyday and trying to help others with my own lessons….its not how we plan these things but hopefully with a few normal steps we can manage to walk that extra mile together.